


This Is How We Fall Apart

by Jewelfox



Series: A Pearl of my Own [4]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Accidental Bondage, Accidental Stimulation, Angst, Bondage, Bonding, Dom/sub, Dominant Lapis Lazuli (Steven Universe), F/F, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Fusion Bondage, Gay Space Rocks, Gem Fusion, Meditation, Ownership, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Predicament Bondage, Submissive Pearl (Steven Universe)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-05
Updated: 2016-10-05
Packaged: 2018-08-19 15:57:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8215651
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jewelfox/pseuds/Jewelfox
Summary: "No no no," I told myself, and clutched the sides of my head. "I'm Lapis!" I exclaimed, and it felt arbitrary but I decided to go with it. "And I'm letting go of you now, Pearl. Okay? Okay!"Nothing happened."Three, two, one, unfuse!" I even jumped this time, but I just spun around in a circle.---Lapis finds out that unfusing from Pearl is MUCH harder than she thought. Can Stevonnie help educate Moonstone to be mindful of her feelings? And will they manage to do it before Garnet and Amethyst notice that there's a new fusion in Beach City? Featuring three illustrations by Alias-Pseudonym!





	1. A Thought That Might Alarm You

_Illustrations by[Alias-Pseudonym.](http://alias-pseudonym.tumblr.com)_

"What have I  _done?!"_

I was up in the Sky Arena still, pacing and gesturing frantically next to the warp pad. And talking to myself.

“This wasn’t scheduled!” The thought horrified me. “We were just supposed to try role reversal play, not  _fuse!_  I didn’t even ask if you  _wanted_  to!”

I put my hands to either side of the shiny, “Pink Diamond” part of the Authority’s emblem, and stared at my reflection again. All four eyes were wide with terror.

“I didn’t know you could do it by accident!” I told myself, looking up at the Pearl in my reflection’s forehead. “I’ve only done this once, and it was on purpose!”

I started pacing again, the ribbons attached to my skirt brushing against my long legs. “That’s why I didn’t plan this!” I replied. “I  _know_  that fusion was deeply traumatic for you, and I had no intention of … ” I caught sight of my reflection again, and sighed. “ … of making you relive it,” I finished.

The Lapis Lazuli in my back felt like a lead weight.

I stepped closer to my reflection, and gazed at it with my literal new eyes. After spending so much time around Garnet (and Rose!) I knew that this was … that  _I_  was a separate person from either of us. Not Pearl, and not Lapis, but someone entirely new.

The thought thrilled me and scared me, at the same time. I’d always wondered what I would be like, even if I hadn’t wanted to admit it. But I had come into being too soon, and just the thought of  _being_  myself gave me ice water chills down my spine.

This was too much like being Malachite. And yet, it was also so  _different_  from being Malachite. Both of those things terrified me.

“Who’s even having these thoughts?” I asked my reflection, while holding one hand to my chest. “Which one is talking right now? Who am I, and what am I doing here?!”

I took deep breaths of high-altitude air, trying to cool off the boiling water inside my Lapis. Staring at the floor and clenching my fists over and over again. Then I looked back up at my reflection, and I knew what I needed to say.

“We have to unfuse.”

The thought unsettled me, and I tried to reassure myself. “We’ll try again sometime,” I told myself. “Whenever … when  _I’m_  feeling up to it, I guess.”

I groaned and shook my head. This was all wrong; we needed to have separate thoughts if we were going to physically separate! “No no no,” I told myself, and clutched the sides of my head. “I’m Lapis!” I exclaimed, and it felt arbitrary but I decided to go with it. “And I’m letting go of you now, Pearl. Okay? Okay!”

Nothing happened.

"Three, two, one,  _unfuse!"_  I even jumped this time, but I just spun around in a circle.

“Oh my stars, I cannot believe this is happening. It’s unheard-of!” I threw my arms up in the air, in frustration. Then I looked up at them, and hummed.

A few seconds later I was doing splits in midair, stretching my arms to my sides as far as they’d go while the water-wings on my shoes pulled my legs apart. I strained as hard as I could, trying to separate the two of us.

And it almost worked! It’s like I looked up all of a sudden, and knew that I was Lapis and this really was just like Malachite. That somehow, I’d brought Malachite’s chains with me when I unfused from Jasper, and now they were keeping Pearl bound to me.

But while Jasper had fought tooth and nail to take control, Pearl was offering no resistance at all. So the harder I pulled at my chains, the more they just tightened around her and pressed her to me.

As soon as I realized that, I hated myself.

_I love her so MUCH!_

I’d never wanted to do this to her …

_I always WANTED her to do this to me!_

… and I knew it meant I was a monster, and that fusion was ruined for me forever.

_She is FANTASTIC! I wish I could stay like this with her forever._

Then I realized what Pearl was thinking about me, and we snapped back together just like that, tumbling into a heap near the Warp pad.

“Oof!” I dusted my clothes off as I stood back up, still dazed by what had just happened. Then I winced at the headache I’d given myself, and spat ice cold water onto my hand before rubbing it on my forehead.

My fingers stopped when they touched my Gem. “Oh … ” I said, as my headache evaporated and was replaced with a warm, familiar sensation.

I hesitated for a moment, before bringing my other hand up to feel it. The warmth spread through me instantly, and I staggered and bumped into the wall. Then I slumped down against it as my knees gave out.

I kept feeling at the Gem in my forehead, from gentle brushes with my fingers to firm massages with both palms. My whole body felt like it was floating, held up by my tingling scalp and the warmth in my chest.  _This is amazing!_  I thought.  _Why doesn’t Pearl just do this all the time?_

Then I froze again. What was I  _doing_  to her? Did I even have her permission?

As soon as I asked myself that, I realized that it was a silly question.  _Besides,_  I thought,  _it’s MY Pearl, isn’t it?_

“Isn’t it?” I repeated softly, melodically, as my fingers traced all around it. “Isn’t it my Pearl?”

Somehow, I managed to keep from bursting into song. Instead I leaned back and closed my eyes, and started arching my back up and down to massage my Lapis Lazuli through my clothes while I kneaded my Pearl with both hands.

I don’t know how to describe what it felt like. I felt loved, accepted, and treasured. And it was like being on top of Pearl again, and being underneath Lapis and held and tied up by her, at the same time. I giggled, I smiled, I wanted to  _cry,_  it was so beautifully overwhelming. I had never felt anything like it. Even Rose Quartz had never made herself so … so vulnerable.

No  _wonder_  Garnet stayed like this all the time!

“Garnet!” I exclaimed, and sat up. “She’ll know how to get us unfused. Right?”

There was an awkward silence, and it wasn’t because I was talking to myself again.

“I’m sorry,” I said, as I stood up. “This is incredible, in so many ways. I love you, and I want to do this with you again soon. But we  _have_  to learn how to unfuse, first, or I’ll be too scared to try again. Okay?”

A moment passed, before I let out a sigh and then nodded. “Okay. Let’s go find her, then.”

I stepped onto the Warp pad, and the world disappeared in a column of light.


	2. Something You Did That Failed To Be Charming

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moonstone meets up with Connie, and realizes some things about herself.

I’d never given much thought to how long it takes to Warp someplace. But the trip home from the arena felt simply interminable! Especially since it was just me and … well, me. And this new and unfamiliar body I’d just been exploring, in a  _particular_  way that I felt embarrassed about. I was reluctant to even peek down at it, now.

I guessed it wouldn’t hurt to make sure that it was presentable before I arrived, though, would it?

So! Two-piece, light cyan outfit that looked kind of like a sailor’s uniform: Check. Detached sleeves, check. Stockings, check. Ribbons  _everywhere,_  check, check, check, check! My hair was a mess, and I smelled like I lived in a barn, but at least I didn’t  _look_  like it. Or like I’d just been in a fight.

Not perfect, I thought, but close enough. Maybe I’d just take a shower like this! That wouldn’t be awkward at all, right?

… right?

The Warp tunnel vanished, and left me standing inside the beach house. I quickly made my way to the door to my and Garnet’s rooms, and was about to open it when I remembered what Garnet would do as soon as she saw me. How she and I – well, she and  _Pearl_ , anyway – had reacted to Smoky Quartz.

Part of me was delighted! Who  _wouldn’t_  want to be the centre of attention, after everything we’d gone through? Fusion was hardly something to be ashamed of, and this one  _especially_  deserved to be showed off! Lapis had come so far since she …

Since I …

That was why I hesitated. Not because Lapis’ feelings were ruining this for me, because she is an  _amazing_  Gem who deserves to be protected and treasured. I just … I knew this was hard for her. For me. And I knew that she – that I – didn’t want the attention, until I felt more secure in myself. In the relationship that I was.

How could I keep myself a secret, though? Especially when I needed help to unfuse. All it’d take was for one person to notice me, and-

“Miss … um, Lapis Lazuli?”

I froze. The voice coming from behind me was strange and familiar at the same time.

“Could you let Pearl know I got out of summer school early, and I’m ready to train with her now?”

_Lapis Lazuli … let Pearl know …_

I hastily brushed my hair down over my forehead, covering the Pearl and the second pair of eyes I had up there. Blinking at it, and holding them shut so I didn’t get hair in them.

Then I turned around all of a sudden, clasping my hands together and smiling nervously down at the child in the living room. “Pearl’s not available right now, Connie! But as long as you’re here, I have some questions for you regarding your lessons ~ ”

* * *

I occupied myself with kitchen chores while I spoke with Connie. There were always more to do, after all, and I needed to keep myself busy so I wouldn’t fret. Goodness knows, I excelled at that.

“So you’re here all by yourself?” I asked over my shoulder, as I took dishes out of the washer and dried them off with a towel. “Where’s Steven?”

Connie was sitting on a stool up at the counter, holding the teacup and saucer I’d gotten for her. “Steven’s working again, Miss Lazuli. He says he still has nine thousand, nine hundred dollars of debt to pay off.”

Miss Lazuli? She hardly needed to be so formal. “Please, call me M-” No, that wasn’t right either! “M-ma’am!” I finished, smiling awkwardly as I finished reaching up into the cupboard to put things away.

“Yes, ma’am!” She said it so quickly, it was like a reflex for her. But when I turned back around to check on her, she was giving me an odd look.

 _Remain confident!_  I told myself.  _She still thinks you’re Lapis!_  “Is something wrong, Connie?” I asked. “You’ve barely touched your tea.”

“Nothing’s wrong, ma’am! I was just … wondering if you know where Pearl is.”

I froze, and dropped the plate I was holding. It cracked.

“Ma’am?”

_Stay calm. Stay on your toes! Balance is the key!_

“Ma’am, are you alright?”

I believe that what I said next came from Lapis. “That’s what I wanted to ask you about,” I said, a bit calmer. “I’ve been learning from her, too, but there’s so much I still don’t understand. About Pearl, and about fusion.”

“Huh?” Connie blinked. “Oh, so  _that’s_  why you were doing the dishes!”

I  _thought_  she might’ve seen that as suspicious.

“But wait. You said you’re trying to  _fuse_  with Pearl?”

“I want to!” I was holding onto my sides now, and even though I’d already fused I knew that I meant what I said. “It’s just that … I don’t even know how to be friends! I was trapped in a mirror since before Beach City existed! So I don’t know how to be in a healthy relationship, and I  _definitely_  don’t know how to  _be_  one. Not even with her.”

This next part was more difficult to say. “Then after M-” Nope, couldn’t do it. “After  _that_  happened, I’m afraid that … that if we fused … ”

“ … that you’d forget who you are?”

I nodded, and sniffled. “Something like that.” I looked up at Connie, and saw that her gaze had softened a little. “How do you do it?” I asked. “How can you and Steven become Stevonnie, and then become yourselves again, so easily?”

“Well … if you want, I could get Stevonnie to answer that for you.” She smiled reassuringly.

“T-that would be … wait, isn’t Steven still working right now?”

“I think he would make an exception for this.” Connie downed her tea, then hopped down off the stool and went out the door. “Be right back, Pearl-lapis!” It sounded like she had started to say ‘Pearl,’ and then added in Lapis’ name as an afterthought.

I groaned and slumped back against the refrigerator, my cheeks a dark blue. Had it really been that obvious?

“Well,  _I_  thought it was a  _great_  disguise,” I told myself. Then I tried to figure out who had just said that, and winced at the headache it gave me.

“Okay … no more of that, then.” I rubbed at my forehead, and accidentally poked myself in the eye. “Augh! No more of  _that,_  either!”

 _That was significantly less fun than the last time I reached up there,_  I thought. And I made sure, this time, not to think about whether Lapis or Pearl thought that. For now, I had to be okay with just being Moonstone. Seeing as how I  _was_  her.

 _Wait,_  I thought.  _If Lapis and Pearl unfuse, would that mean that I’d cease to EXIST?_

_… maybe I’d better not think about THAT, either._

“Back to doing chores, I guess.” I bent over to pick up the cracked plate, and put it in the trash. “And thinking of what to say if someone finds me … ”

_“Hi, Garnet! Hi, Amethyst! Wait- Garnet, why are you SMILING at me like that? Amethyst, stop LAUGHING! Steven, not you too! This isn’t funny!”_

I smiled. Okay, maybe it was a  _little_  funny.

I kept imagining this scene play out, as I put up the rest of the dishes.  _"FINE, Peridot, go ahead and take a ‘selfie’ with me. Wait, you said HOW many people saw that? Does EVERYONE know that we fused, now?! I’m just going to go hide in the- wait. What is …_

_“JASPER, NO!”_

I froze again, and let the ice water chills run up and down the whole length of my body.

“Is  _that_  what I’m afraid of?” I asked myself, after a long moment. “Is that why I’m scared that someone will find me?”

Suddenly, I felt deeply afraid for myself. But I also felt very protective … of myself. And it was familiar somehow, but different at the same time. Because this time, we had both made ourselves vulnerable … and this time, we’d both responded to each other’s vulnerability by caring.

Maybe this was what being a healthy relationship was like.

Either way, I liked it a lot better than my last one.


	3. Take A Moment And Find Yourself

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Moonstone gets to know who she really is.

Naturally, once I was finished with chores I started to fret.

I knew Lapis would be okay with spending her free time reading, or watching television. But all the shows and books that she liked were either back at the barn or in Amethyst’s room, and there was no way I was visiting either of those places.

“I know!” I clapped my hands together. “Steven’s games!” I had no idea if I’d like them, but I figured it was worth a shot? Pearl had watched him play them enough that I thought I could at least fake it.

I started up the stairs, but my eyes fell on the cat-shaped alarm clock on Steven’s nightstand.  _It can’t take more than ten minutes to walk to and from ‘Funland,’_  I thought.  _What’s taking them so long?_

Suddenly, that was all I could think about. I went back down to the living room and started pacing, and thinking, and, well … fretting.

 _What if she isn’t JUST bringing back Steven?_  I thought.  _What if there’s a corrupted Gem that they’re doing battle with RIGHT NOW?_

I stopped pacing, and put my hand to one ear to listen. All I could hear were the crashing waves, just outside.

Those didn’t improve my mood.  _I’m trapped,_  I thought, as I started pacing again.  _And not even in the fun way. I am literally stuck here like this, and Garnet and Amethyst are going to make a scene, and-_

My whole body cringed at the thought of Garnet, stopping me short yet again. She was a living love story, but right now she was also my nightmare. “What if this is just how I AM from now on?!” I yelled, throwing my arms up at the ceiling and looking down at myself. “How is this any different from having the mirror stuck in my- I mean, being stuck in Pearl’s- GAH!”

I quit trying to figure out how to word that, and started pacing more frantically. “How am I going to train Connie and keep an eye on Steven, when I have to respect Lapis’ need for alone time? How is she going to  _have_  alone time at all? And what if Pearl needs to do chores, or practice swordfighting, or sing or dance in order to focus her mind? How can … ”

I stopped pacing, and started crying. “How can she and Lapis be dance partners if they can never even hold  _hands_  again?”

It seemed like such an odd thing to have a breakdown over, especially when help was just minutes away. But I couldn’t help it. And all things considered, I think I had every right to have a good cry at this point.

I sniffled and clasped my hands together tightly, trying so hard to comfort myself. Trying to show myself I could still hold hands. I could still hug. I could still have  _amazing_  “alone time.”

It almost worked. If not for the taste of my salt water tears, and the fluid filling my nostrils, and the  _freaking waves_  just outside, it would have.

Thanks to them, I was at the bottom of the sea again, inside my mind. Chained down there as Pearl and Lapis, and going mad with claustrophobia.

I wanted to lift up the entire ocean from off of us, and fling it into the Sun.

Maybe I could have calmed down still, if I’d gotten away from there. But I kept sniffling and crying, and the waves kept on crashing into the beach, until something inside of me snapped. And I knew I was  _going_  to lift up the entire ocean, and fling it into the Sun.

Or at least, I was going to try.

I straightened my spine and struck an elegant one-legged pose, closing my eyes and pressing the palms of my hands together. I counted to three in my head. Then I bolted out the door and down the stairs, screaming.

“AAAAAAAAHHHHH!” The screen door slammed shut behind me, and as my feet hit the sand I went from covering my ears to gesturing wildly at the surf. Slashing my arms through the air above it and sending it spraying around me, along with clumps of wet sand.  _“Stop! Making! That! NOISE!”_

Naturally, it didn’t listen. So I reached down with my hands and my mind, and just above the silt I felt the mass of millions of gallons of water. I drew it inward, clenching my fingers, feeling the sea bulge in front of me before I saw it.

Then I slowly lifted my arms, drawing a  _massive_  ball of water out of the ocean. Not the  _entire_  ocean, mind; just enough of it to feel satisfying to throw. It was the size of Beach City, tops.

“Alright, ocean, you’ve met your match!” I wound up one arm like I was throwing a pitch in that “baseball” game. “Into the Sun with you!”

“Lapis? Pearl?”

“Oh, hi, Steven! Connie!” I turned to look down at them, in the shadow of my water ball, and smiled awkwardly. “N-nice to see you!”

Steven pointed at it, his face blank. “Were you about to throw that into the Sun?”

“Oh, heavens no! Of course not!” I laughed at the very absurdity.

But he and Connie just kept staring at me, and my face fell. “Yes, Steven. I was.”

“Could you put that down, ma’am?” Connie was clutching one of her books as she looked up at me. “It has a lot of marine life in it. And you’re scaring the tourists.”

A confused-looking fish fell out of the bottom of the sphere, only to be snapped up by a seagull.

“O-okay. You’re the expert, Connie! I’ll just … let it down … gently.”

I let both hands fall slowly down to my sides, bringing the ball of water back into the ocean. We all got splashed a little as I let go, and I jumped and screamed and brushed it off of myself. “Oh my stars and galaxies, I have  _had it up to here_  with salt water!” I held one hand up to the level of my scalp, face-down.

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Connie and Steven exchange a look.

* * *

A minute later, we all touched down on the tree-covered slopes of a mountain shrouded in mist, courtesy of the Warp pad.

“I’m sorry for the delay, ma’am.” Connie saluted me. “We ran into Garnet and Amethyst shopping for groceries on the way back … ”

“ … and had to make sure they got home after us,” Steven finished for her.

“I thought that giving them a list of my nutritional supplements would keep them busy for hours, but Garnet just used her future vision to know where everything was.” Connie looked away, embarrassed.

“She even got her a new one!” Steven held his hands up in the air, exasperated.

“So I knocked over a stack of tomatoes. Then I grabbed Steven’s hand, and we ran for it.”

I furrowed my brow in confusion. “Wouldn’t that just make a mess?”

“More like a buffet for Amethyst.” Connie smiled.

“It bought us at least thirty seconds!” Steven came up alongside her and beamed at me.

I didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, or hug them both. So I did all three, dropping to one knee beside them and pulling them close. “I’m proud of you for thinking on your feet like that … and I’m grateful that you’d do that for me.”

Connie was smiling and blushing when I let go of her. “Always an honour, ma’am.”

Steven nodded. “We’re going to help you unfuse, no matter how many vegetables we have to sacrifice!”

“Tomatoes are actually a fruit,” Connie reminded him.

Steven was undeterred. “No matter how many fruit salads lose their lives in the line of duty!” he said, and I had a disturbing flashback involving watermelons. But were they attacking me, or helping me?

“Agh!” I suddenly winced, and held one hand to my forehead. At least I made sure to close all my eyes this time.

“Lapis! Pearl! Are you okay?” Steven reached up and took my other hand, concerned.

“It’s ‘Moonstone,’” I told him through gritted teeth. “And I’m  _not_  okay.”

When I opened my eyes, I saw Steven give a quick nod to Connie, who returned it and held out her hand. The two of them performed a quick dance, and one flash of light later Stevonnie was standing in front of me.

I tried to stand up, but my head spun and I fell on my butt. “Ow!”

“Moonstone!” Stevonnie was standing over me now, holding my arm and helping to steady me.

“I’m sorry … I guess I’m not feeling quite like myself today.” I giggled a little too loudly.

“It’s okay. Just try to cross your legs and sit up … yeah, like that.” They then sat down across from me in the same stance.

“Why?” I gave them a confused look.

“Honestly, I have no idea. I’m just trying to walk you through what Garnet showed me.”

“Okay … ” I tried to clasp my hands in front of me the way they were doing.

“Now close your eyes, and breathe.”

"Why do I need to  _breathe?"_  I usually didn’t.

“I think it’s to give you something to focus on,” they said, and closed their eyes. “Just let everything go except for your breathing.”

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath of mountain air, chilling my insides. “And then?”

“Take a moment, to think of just flexibility, love, and trust.” 

* * *

They said some more things after that. Guiding me through visualizing the thing that was holding us back from unfusing, and being conscious of it instead of pretending that it wasn’t there.

Of course, since Lapis was part of the fusion, I visualized that thing as chains.

It’s like, I  _was_  her again, trapped in a darkened room inside our mind. And I was chained to Pearl so tightly that we were just squished together, her sitting down and me hugging her and awkwardly straddling her legs.

As soon as I realized that, I wanted  _out._  My wings spread without me even thinking about it, and I flapped them and struggled to break free. But no matter how hard I pulled at the chains, it just pulled us even tighter together.

I groaned. “This is no use … we’ve already tried this.”

“HELP!” Pearl yelled theatrically, into the darkness. “Won’t ANYONE let us out of these bonds?”

I winced. “Pearl, you’re right next to my ear!”

“Oh! I’m sorry, Lapis. But isn’t this all just inside of our head?”

That almost brought me back to reality. “Don’t think about that!” I told her. “Just go with it.”

“But then what are we supposed to  _do?"_  she asked. ”There doesn’t seem to be any way out!"

“Maybe we’ve got to figure out what these chains even  _are,_  first.” Something occurred to me then, and I blinked. “Is it me? Am  _I_  the one keeping us trapped? Am I  _that_ afraid of losing control?”

“It could be … you were there with her for a long time, weren’t you? Holding onto her chains was your way of protecting Steven.” I didn’t need to ask Pearl who “she” was, any more than she needed to be reminded not to say her name.

“I guess so.” I squirmed for a moment, trying to get at least one elbow free. “But this is so much tighter than last time.”

“Maybe it’s because I’m not trying to resist?” Pearl offered.

“Maybe. Nnnngh! GAH!” I struggled again, for a second. Then I broke down and began sobbing into the side of Pearl’s face. “Pearl, this isn’t fun anymore. I want out!”

“Lapis, I’m sorry … ” She awkwardly nuzzled the side of my cheek.

“What are  _you_  sorry for? You aren’t the one who’s causing this!”

“I’m sorry I suggested that we do the role reversal play … I got so carried away, and I should have paid more attention to your nonverbal cues!”

“It’s okay.” I kept struggling against the chains. “You made a mistake, but I still had fun. And anyway, it’s not your fault that we’re trapped here right now.”

There was a long pause, and my Gem felt like a lead weight again. “It’s not,” I said. “Is it?”

“You know … ” she began. “When I offered to be your sub, and asked if you wanted to fuse with me as part of our roleplay, I didn’t think you would actually  _want_  to. Not after everything you had gone through. I just wanted you to know that it was okay … that you didn’t have to be scared if things went in that direction.”

I could feel Pearl shaking in my arms, struggling to hold back tears.

“But I dared to hope that I could experience that with you, just once! I’ve worked, and trained, and fought to be what I am, and  _you_  … ”

My cheeks started burning, as her tears ran down one of them. “Is this about my water powers?”

I felt Pearl try to shake her head, while pressed up against me. “No, Lapis, that’s not it at all. You have a strength of character that’s simply overwhelming! You don’t … ” She sniffled. “You don’t feel like you have to prove anything, to anyone. You aren’t afraid that if you do something wrong, or if your appearance isn’t just right, or if you can’t go above and beyond what you were designed for, then you’ll be discarded.”

My eyes widened. "And you  _are?"_

Now I felt her nodding frantically, and crying harder. “I’ve lost so many people that I relied on! Bismuth, Agate,  _Rose_  … ” Pearl shuddered at the memory. "I  _fused_  with these Gems. I let myself believe they would  _never_  be taken from me, that their strength would win us the war and I could live on Earth among them … as a person, instead of as furniture!

“Now they’re all GONE, Lapis!” She could barely get out the words, in between wracking sobs. “I would have DIED for any of them, but they’re gone and I’m still here! Now I don’t know who will be taken from me next, or if the Earth that I fought so hard to save will even be here tomorrow.”

That’s when I realized that Pearl was holding onto her chains. And that this whole time, I’d been struggling against her.

I fought down the surge of anxiety, of feeling helpless and trapped. I made us breathe slowly and calmly, and instead of flapping my wings to escape I wrapped them loosely around Pearl, stroking her hair and her back with them.

“Pearl … ” I began, not really sure what to say.

“Y-yes, Lapis?” She sounded terrified.

Deep breath. “I already told you I love you.”

Pearl shook her head quickly. “You didn’t.”

“I didn’t?”

“You said you have romantic feelings for me … but you didn’t say that you love me.”

Another deep breath. This was important to her, and I wasn’t going to argue. “Well, I do. I love you, Pearl.”

She started sobbing again. I hugged her as tightly as I could, and felt our chains begin to loosen.

“I’m not mad at you,” I went on. “I don’t think you did this on purpose-”

“I didn’t! I  _swear_  I didn’t!”

“-any more than I chained us together on purpose,” I finished. “We’re both messed up, and it’s not our fault.”

“Okay.” I felt Pearl shudder, as she tried to calm down. “Okay,” she repeated.

“I had fun,” I told her. “And I really admire  _your_  strength. Your ability to keep trying, even when everything seems hopeless! Because all I do is give up.”

“Lapis,” Pearl said, “that’s not-”

Now  _I_  was shaking my head. “When I was stuck in the mirror, I gave up. When I was taken prisoner, I gave up. And when I … ”  _No, Lapis, don’t cry again,_  I told myself. “When I realized I liked what I did to Jasper … that I liked having her there to beat up on … that’s when I gave up on myself.”

“You held her down inside of a fusion for months!” Pearl exclaimed. “That’s not ‘giving up,’ that’s persevering!”

I winced. “I just did that because I  _could!_  I  _knew_  I was stronger than Jasper. I  _knew_  she was making a mistake by asking to fuse with me. All I did was take advantage of her. That doesn’t make me strong, Pearl, it makes me a bully!”

“You did that to get her out of the way so that she wouldn’t hurt Steven! That doesn’t make you a bully, Lapis. It makes you a martyr.”

Now I  _did_  start to cry again. “Pearl, you’re making me out to be someone I’m not! You … ” I remembered to take another deep breath, and exhaled slowly. “You want me to be perfect, because if a perfect Gem likes you then you can forget how worthless you think you are. But you’re  _not_  worthless, Pearl, you’re amazing! And you’re still amazing even when you get behind on the chores, or make an embarrassing mistake.”

Pearl was silent again.

I sighed. “Everyone else can see it. I just wish you could, too.”

We were both quiet for awhile after that. Silent, except for our breathing. I concentrated on that, and on the experience of enveloping Pearl, inside of our shared mind. Hugging her tight, and caressing her face and back with my wings.

I … I could feel what it was like for her. To be overwhelmed by such gentle power, and cared for and valued by someone so strong.

I had never seen myself like that before.

I heard rattling and felt my chains slacken, and knew without looking that Pearl had let go of them with one hand. I stretched my arms and my wings, then sat up on her lap so that I could see her better. She seemed hesitant, and was blushing and looking away.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“There’s something you can do for me, that would make this easier.” She still couldn’t meet my gaze. “It’s just … ”

“Just?” I asked. But then I realized I knew what it was, since we were still sharing the same mind. And I blushed. “Pearl, I can’t-”

“Lapis, please hear me out!” Now she looked up at me, pleading. “I  _know_  what it sounds like. And I know  _very well_  what it meant, back on Homeworld. I don’t want you to  _actually_  own me, I just … ” She had to stop for a moment, to keep from tearing up again.

I stroked the side of her face with my hand, this time. Pearl held it to herself, then looked me in the eye. “I just feel profoundly reassured, to know that someone I love sees me as desirable.”

I blushed hard and cringed, and tried to cover my face with my other hand. I could still see her through my fingers, though, and the hopeful look in her eyes. “This is just roleplay, right?” I asked. “You just want me to  _pretend_  that I own you.”

Pearl nodded quickly and looked away. “I-if it’s not too much trouble,” she stammered. “If that’s something you feel you  _can_  roleplay. And … and if you’ll have me.”

It seemed so absurd. There was no way I’d have ever been gifted my own Pearl, and no way I would have felt comfortable treating one like an object.  _Especially_  not my-

Not  _this_  Pearl, I corrected myself. Not after everything she’d gone through.

 _But it’s different if she’s the one offering herself to me,_  I thought.  _Isn’t it?_  And as much as I wanted to deny it, I was deeply flattered by her offer. Emboldened, even. I could see how much this meant to her, and how brave she was to ask me for it in the first place. And the part of me that had enjoyed tying her up wanted to reward her for that.

I couldn’t manage a sultry voice, though. Instead, I just giggled, and grinned at her from around my hand. Then Pearl was giggling too, and then we were both laughing- 

* * *

And then I was physically sitting there on Pearl’s lap, on the path on the side of this mountain, and laughing with her at how cute and silly and funny and scary this all was.

“Okay,” I told Pearl. “I’ll do it.”

She gave me a look of pure gratitude, with her hands pressed together right next to her face and her eyes and voice wavering. “Thank you  _so much,_  own-”

“Do what?” Stevonnie was sitting nearby, and giving the two of us a weird look.

“Nothing!” I jumped off of Pearl quickly, then offered her my hand and helped her back up to her feet, looking her in the eyes as I did so. "Absolutely nothing. Isn’t that right,  _my Pearl?"_

 _Now_  I could manage a sultry voice.

Pearl just nodded and grinned, and made a squeeing noise back in her throat.

Stevonnie stood up too, and dusted theirself off. “I  _guess_  you’re both okay, then!” they said, looking between the two of us.

We tried to hold back from giggling again.

“Oh!” Pearl suddenly looked up at them. “I’m sorry, I forgot all about your training! We can go do that now if you w-”

I squeezed Pearl’s hand, and gave her a sly look.

“I mean, if you and Lapis are okay with it!” She blushed.

“I am.” I nodded to Pearl, then looked up at Stevonnie. “Is it okay if I watch?”

They grinned. “Definitely.”

We all got back on the Warp pad, my fingers intertwined with Pearl’s. I gave her a peck on the cheek as we teleported, just to see the look on her face. She smiled at me and blushed … and for the first time since I was let out of the mirror, I felt like this was where I belonged.

And that’s how I ended up with a Pearl of my own.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This series isn't over, not by a long shot. Stay tuned to see what Pearl learns in her OTHER relationship, and how it can bring her and Lapis Lazuli even closer together! ~_^


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